With the ecstatic audience baying for more - and bowled-over judges still wildly cheering Mary Byrne's brilliant attempt to paralyse a great Dusty Springfield song, I quietly took my leave and nipped off to commit suicide.
Mary's version of "You Don't Have To Say You Love Me" is still ringing in my ears. Like tinnitus. She's got a good voice has Mary. If only she'd make an effort not to go round murdering songs that are even bigger than she is.
OK. I couldn't stay to listen to all of last night's show. A few of Simon's wannabe superstars drove me to the safety of a locked bathroom. But a few were pleasantly surprising. In a masochistic sort of way. Like watching a car crash.
Belle Amie got the plaudits from the judges for kicking the life out of the great Ray Davies classic 'You Really Got me". If you missed it, shut your eyes and dream up a teeny girl with lipstick version of the Kinks. Thankfully, it was relatively painless.
Wagner is the Ann Widdecombe of the X factor. I like Ann. I quite like Wagner. But not on TV. He'd have gone down a bundle at Butlins in the 1950s.
Now then. Squint-eyed Rebecca Ferguson. The girl who is too shy to stick her tits out. She was rather good tonight in her purple dress with her purple lips. She did Liverpool proud. At first I thought she'd become a tiny bit Eartha Kitt-enish. Which would have been great. But she let me down cos she hasn't yet got the bottle. But she had a good night!
Unlike Aiden Grimshaw. Ouch! This was a horror story. His performance, a major crime scene!
Dear Aiden tried to sing John Lennon's 'Jealous Guy'. In fact he did sing a version of John Lennon's 'Jealous Guy'. In the course of giving a decent impression of an epileptic fit.
When he wasn't having a fit he was squirming about so much, I was convinced he was about to wet himself.
An embarrassment to watch. Excruciatingly toe-curling!
Talking of John Lennon, it looked as if little Aiden had brought his mummy along to make sure his hair was just-so!
John Adeleye I liked.
I also thought One Direction were singing to the right audience in the right programme. Pretty young boys driving pretty young girls wild with desire!
Treyc. Oh dear. Nice voice. It's her arse. Anyone with a backside the size of Asia minor should try to avoid wearing a tight dress like that. In spite of the creepy Cowell compliments, the dress just made things worse. For a minute I thought I was in Shepherd's Bush Market!
Which leaves Cher.
I didn't like her last night.
Her voice was too weak..
All the same it was a star performance!
The only one.
Cher's great.
She's still my tip to win!
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